Here is a 5 page Psychology Today article titled Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature that follows very closely what I have read in the book about Evolutionary Psychology titled Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters. Evolutionary Psychology is a very interesting as always.

I have posted a new article for the Milwaukee Examiner titled “Sacred Sexuality“

I have also corrected the previous links to my articles which did not work. Uggghhh!

I first heard about this in the UUA World magazine a while ago and I was really, really, reeeaaallly excited about it. The United State’s sexual education for kids and adults has never been really good or really comprehensive and this is a wonderful and liberating step forward. The UUA’s Our Whole Lives (OWL): Lifespan Sexuality Curricula spans from kindergarten to older adults.

My next article on for the Milwaukee Examiner as their Liberal Spiritual Examiner will be about sexuality so I will be mentioning the UUA’s wonderful new curricula there.

I will write more later, but last after noon Tanya gave birth after 24 hours of labor via a C-Section to our daughter, Uliana (ool-liana) O’Neill. Everyone is fine and still at the hospital. =)

Note: This article is nowhere near comprehensive. I am not a licensed psychologist or a therepist, and this writing comes from what reading I have done on this topic and my own experience, so take this for what you will. If you have references or other things that may increase the usefulness or accuracy of my writing then feel free to post me about it. I am more than happy to adjust my writing to reflect a new understanding on this topic or to make this page much more useful.

This article assumes, for simplicity, a heterosexual monogamous romantic relationship that is having bad jealousy issues, but could be equally applied with adjustment towards homosexual/poly relationships when view through those glasses. Close friends not getting enough time or other less serious situations are not the focus of this writing, but may be just a appllicable with in that context.

Jealousy is something that we have to deal with, and is something that we are taught is OK. In many forms our culture, unfortunately, supports and perpetuates its existence. How are we to manage or understand this “green-eyed monster” that can destroy relationships and our happiness, so that it is not allowed to do so, even when cultural support for it is so prevalent?

Understanding exactly what jealousy is, and how and why it affects us can help us to not only tame it, but to advance and evolve our sense of self and our relationships. I am going to cover a bit here today about jealousy so that we can start the journey to defeat the “green-eyed monster”together, and to evolve our happiness and security to the next level.

All of what I am about to write is predicated on there not being a definitive reason for the jealousy such as a history of infidelity or lying and so on. That is a totally difference scenario which I will not cover here, but in that case you will most definitely require a seek a qualified therapist. There are also many more links at the bottom of this page that will cover jealousy in much more detail and in a much more educated and qualified manner than I ever could. This page might be consider more of a primer on dealing with jealousy.

Understanding Jealousy

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is not an emotion in-and-of-itself. It is a cacophonous and yet subtle amalgamation of baser negative emotions such as insecurity, low self esteem, subconscious or repressed pains, and fear of loss, abandonment, or inadequacy that surfaces and affects us in ways that we may not fully understand or be able to describe when it happens. We just know that we feel bad or that it hurts when something triggers it, and we may get angry and frustrated because we do not, or find it very difficult to try to, understand it.

Jealousy is also rooted in the starvation economy (starvation model) of love, which essentially means that if my love cares for someone else then they will care less for me, which greatly increases the level of fear, anxiety, and possesiveness. We love our parents, our children, close friends, and other extended family, so you do not necessarily need to be afraid that they are going to love someone else and not you. Your partner has room for you in addition to their close friends and family. Humans just keep on loving. It is said that fear is the opposite of love; and by letting go of fear (jealousy) you will foster love in your life.

These self doubts, insecurities, and fears can lead us to question and pressure our partners in an agressive and untrusting manner which can damage the relationship, or push them away. Gaining an understanding and control of jealousy will be important to the happiness and harmony of all your current and future relationships, especially the most important and intimate ones.

This frustration and difficulty of understanding these emotions perpetuates and hinders exploration and comprehension of what exactly is happening. Cutting our way through the pain and confusion is what will be important to defeat the ‘green-eyed monster’ and the havoc it wreaks upon our lives and relationships. Ultimately, bouts of jealousy indicate that there is some unresolved issue with yourself or with your relationship. It signals a moment to learn about ones self, which, of course, can be a mixed blessing.

Your Triggers

Jealousy triggers typically involve ’someone’ of the opposite sex of your partner. Your partner does something and you feel jealous and hurt, and you may or may not understand why. The action that started this process is the trigger. Examples of common triggers are: someone calling your partner or oogling at them, your partner staying our late, or wanting to spend time with friends, spending time with people in a very social setting where there are many individuals of the same gender that your partner could be attracted to.

You will need to pay special attention to your triggers. The triggers themselves may be revealing as to the underlying issue you may be having, especially if one trigger is fairly consistent and others are either non-existent or limited in their prevalence.

Your Emotional Repsonse

Your emotional response to a jealousy trigger is going to be very important to monitor and understand. Try to search your emotion and figure out exactly what you are feeling. This is perhaps the most difficult part. You will need to try to distinguish between individual fears and insecurities, and potentially trust issues. Take the time to think about you feelings to try to refine what exactly is going on. The more you can know about this the easier it will be to understand what your underlying issue maybe and how to deal with it.

Your Reasons

If you are able to know you triggers and the emotional response to that trigger, then the next step is the take that information and try to find out why that trigger elicits that emotional response. Is it projected unresolved issues from the past, or perhaps you need more reassurance from your partner, or there may be any of a plethora of other things that may cause a specific type of trigger to generate a specific emotional response. Try to think about the relationship between the trigger and your emotional response.

Again this may be something that you will want a qualified therpist to work through. These are very complicated and potentially deep seated issues that some simple self exploration and talking may not deal with. Plus we are working against some very trong cultural and evolutionary programming.

Managing Jealousy

Responsibility For Our Emotions

Something that is very key to understanding and dealing with this issue is that no one can make you feel any emotion. You are an individual and you have a choice as to how you feel and react to situations. This is not what we are typically taught, but it is one of the most valuable things you can realize for yourself and you life. You have a choice to determine your reaction to a situation, albeit, until your realize this you may find yourself a helpless slave to your emotional whims. People typically go through their lives allowing their initial emotional response to bubble forth and then they go with it because that is all they know, but in the case of jealousy, or even any other negative emotion, it is not such a good idea to do so.

If you work at it you can separate the ‘action that triggers an emotional response’, the ‘emotional response itself’, and the ‘underlying reasons for the emotional response’. Keep in mind ‘underlying reasons’ does not mean triggers themselves. The trigger, emotional response, and the reason are all separate and need to be inspected that way otherwise you may start mixing them up and call the trigger the reason, when it is not.

No one can make you feel specific emotion. We are, in many ways, programmed via Evolution and Culture to respond a certain way to certain situations, but this is something that we can, with effort and desire, to control and modify it. This process can be a very painful, since it will require introspection, self evaluation, a radical honesty with one’s self and their partner, trust, and vulnerability. All of which can be scary and difficult in-and-of-themselves, but to combine them into one process makes this not for the weak of heart, but in the end it can be one of the most rewarding things you can do. =O If you are not keen on going-it-alone with you partner in dealing with jealousy, then there are many qualified therapists that would be happy to assist you in this endeavor.

It is important to say to yourself  that ‘I will not allow my emotions to control or effect my life in a negative way and I will decisively choose to address them when they come up.’ You emotions are your responsibility and you need to evaluate how they affect your life and address them appropriately. I will cover some communication techniques later on that will address taking responsibility for you emotions.

Dealing with Jealousy Through Writing

Writing can be a very theraputic and revealing method to help you deal with jealousy and other issues too. Writing a journal will help you to keep track of and get out those negative feelings. In these days you could also record them via a small recording device if that serves you better. In either case you will want to keep your recording medium safe from others because rarely is such a painful and deep seated emotion pretty. Things may be written or said that can be quite personal and painful not only for you, but to those involved. If you are pursuing this process with your partner you may want to inform them that you are doing this and for them to respect your privacy if you wish it.

When you do feel a bout of jealousy starting you may want to take some time to write down the specifics of the situation that is triggering the jealousy. Keeping track of what situations or actions that triggered you to feel jealous can help you greatly in your pursuit to banish jealousy from your relationship.

As you are keeping track of your triggers, you will also want to also to write down your emotional response to that trigger. Write as much as you can and just let the thoughts and emotions flow so you can thoroughly explore and open them. Explore this state of mind and write down what you are feeling.

Once you have that recorded you can revisit it and explore your triggers and feelings and then you might be able to find a trend in your triggers or what it is that you are feeling. Perhaps you will find a reoccuring theme in your feelings and writings that may point to the underlying reason for your jealousy.

Dealing with Jealousy Through Talking

When talking to you partner form your thoughts along these lines: “I feel ‘this’ when ‘that’ happens” because ‘of this’.; and NOT “You make feel this way when you do this, because you ‘reason’.” since that wording puts the responsibility for your emotions on the other person and assumes that you know the other persons thoughts and intentions.

You have the right to feel how you feel, and the first wording reinforces you are taking responsibility for your emotions, which seems to be an affront to the common thinking of our emotional states, especially when it comes to jealousy and possesiveness with our partners. Jealousy seems to be treated like a crime that is inflicted on others, when it is something that we allow to fester within us do to a lack of open and honest communication and taking responsibility for our emotions.

Sentences such as  ”You make feel this way when you do this.” you are creating an antogonistic environment, putting responsibility for your emotional state to your partner, and may potentially be putting your partner on the defensive, even though your emotions are yours and your partner may not have done anything wrong. Doing so may put your partner on the defensive and may greatly inhibit communication and your progress towards resolution and understanding what you are going through.

Enabling Jealous Actions

This is more for the jealous person’s partner than for the jealous person. If you both know that you have jealousy issues then by not talking about it or confronting them, albeit calmly, cooly, and with compassion, you are enabling and reinforcing this behaviour and allowing it to continue. Once you start to do that you are reinforcing for them that this behaviour is acceptable and that you will just deal with it, which leads to not only a break down in communication, but also in bad feelings for both of you, and potentially resentment.

Take the time to care enough to talk about and address jealousy in your relationship. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away, and is only going to allow it to fester and grow stronger potentially creating a chasm between both of you with a lof of pain.

Pain and chasms – bad. Calm and honest communication – good. Realize that it is going to take two of you to address jealousy, so help to be apart of the solution, by not enabling this behaviour. Perhaps you can be the one to suggest counseling if your partner is reluctant to.

References and More Info

What I have written is a pretty good start to this topic, but please do peruse these references for more information. If these do not suffice, please seek a qualified professional to assist you. I also will appreciate recommendations for any other pertinent and useful resources that you may find or know of. I did not include articles on therapy through writing. If you are interested google has plenty, of a therepist can help you with that as well. =)

Articles

• Center for Non-Violent Communication
• Jealousy: A Voice of Possesiveness Past (Psychology Today)
• Jealousy: Monster with Dangerous Passion (Sexpresso)
• Managing Jealousy (Hello Good Love)
• Loving without Jealousy: As We Becoming More Authentic, Jealousy Disappears (University of Minnesota)
• Controlling Jealousy (Dr. Phill)
• Dealing With Jealousy Issues (Bea Wehrla, Counseling and Human Development, 2002)
• Fixing the Refridgerator: Practica Jealousy Management (Polyamory, 2009)
• Green-Eyed Monster, the (California Psychics)
• How to deal with jealousy (Romance Class)
• Jealousy (The Inn Between, Polyamory)
• Jealousy, The Green-Eyed Monster (Dr. Gail Saltz, March 2007)

Books

• Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Amazon Book)
• Radical Honesty (Amazon Book)
• Books on Non-Violent Communication (Amazon Books)

Some surprising things you may have not known about orgasms via YouTube:

Mary Roach: 10 things you didn’t know about orgasm

I just posted and article in support of Gay Marriage.

I have written a huge page in support of the the Legalization of Prostitution and I thought would announce it to everyone so that they may rant or rave about it.

I usually do not post about things like this, but somehow I came upon this article on Oprah’s
‘O Magazine’ and found it interesting: Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women.

So, we returned from our first ultrasound appointment at 5 months yesterday, and it was quite the wonderful experience. We were able to see in shades of gray our little baby… moving its arms and legs, opening its mouth, and just generally squirming about. It was cool. It is amazing that we have the technology to do this. I am completely awed by it. Tanya said, after seeing how active it was, that she rarely felt it move, so it must have done something pretty big for her to feel it.

The wonderful technician from the Reedsburg Area Medical Center looked twice to determine (not a 100% mind you) the gender of our baby. To her and to us it seemed to be a girl.

I, of course, as most men do, was hoping for a boy, but for some inexplicable reason was expecting a girl. Most other people thought it was going to be a girl too. I will be happy just a long as she is healthy. Its gender is not guaranteed at 100% yet, but we are pretty sure’ish.

I am looking forward to raising her and teaching her my geeky and eccentric ways. Poor kid. I all ready feel sorry for her. =0 =)

We have had names picked out for either a boy or a girl for a long time now. The girl’s name was picked from the Russian tradition of first name/father’s first name/last name, so her (english’cized) name is Ooliana James O’Neill. I promise it works better in Russian – Ульяна. Her first name is, I think, Tanya’s great grandmother’s first name.

Ultrasound Pictures

If you have never seen an ultrasound picture before you take a look at ours below:

Side view of baby. You can see her head, open mouth, and torso.

Side view of the full body of the baby. You can see a leg in addition to the umbilical cord in the back, I think.

Close-up side view of head and brain.

Front view with baby on her side and looking at you.

Bikini (Swim Suit) vs. Bikini (bra and Panty)? What’s the issue?

It is an interesting observation where it is OK for people to see and appreciate a woman who is wearing a bikini swimsuit, but is somehow uncomfortable and inappropriate to see a woman in her bra and panties. In this day and age it can be really hard to tell which is being worn – undergarments or a swimsuit. Tanya and I were looking at a Vistoria’s Secret catalog and we were not sure if we were looking at swimsuits or undergarments. That moment really makes me go ‘Hmmmmm!’.

So what is the issue here people? If a woman undressed in front of you down to her bra and panties you would most likely be really uncomfortable, but if you found out that it she was wearing a swimsuit everything would be OK.

They cover the same areas. The only really difference is the material that they are made of. Are there certain materials that engage our prudish or propriety instincts? If this is the case, then why is this so? What do you think?

All of this is predicated on wearing a swimsuit and bra/panty that are not sexual in nature.

I originally posted this on October 26, 2007 to my MySpace account quiet a while ago, but I thought it would be good to post here.

Having an over developed sense of propriety or prudishness (depending on how you want to label me), I would normally not post anything about sex, but this is a really interesting article from Forbes:
Your Health: Is Sex Necessary?.