I have posted a new article for the Milwaukee Examiner titled “Sacred Sexuality“

I have also corrected the previous links to my articles which did not work. Uggghhh!

Note: This article is nowhere near comprehensive. I am not a licensed psychologist or a therepist, and this writing comes from what reading I have done on this topic and my own experience, so take this for what you will. If you have references or other things that may increase the usefulness or accuracy of my writing then feel free to post me about it. I am more than happy to adjust my writing to reflect a new understanding on this topic or to make this page much more useful.

This article assumes, for simplicity, a heterosexual monogamous romantic relationship that is having bad jealousy issues, but could be equally applied with adjustment towards homosexual/poly relationships when view through those glasses. Close friends not getting enough time or other less serious situations are not the focus of this writing, but may be just a appllicable with in that context.

Jealousy is something that we have to deal with, and is something that we are taught is OK. In many forms our culture, unfortunately, supports and perpetuates its existence. How are we to manage or understand this “green-eyed monster” that can destroy relationships and our happiness, so that it is not allowed to do so, even when cultural support for it is so prevalent?

Understanding exactly what jealousy is, and how and why it affects us can help us to not only tame it, but to advance and evolve our sense of self and our relationships. I am going to cover a bit here today about jealousy so that we can start the journey to defeat the “green-eyed monster”together, and to evolve our happiness and security to the next level.

All of what I am about to write is predicated on there not being a definitive reason for the jealousy such as a history of infidelity or lying and so on. That is a totally difference scenario which I will not cover here, but in that case you will most definitely require a seek a qualified therapist. There are also many more links at the bottom of this page that will cover jealousy in much more detail and in a much more educated and qualified manner than I ever could. This page might be consider more of a primer on dealing with jealousy.

Understanding Jealousy

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is not an emotion in-and-of-itself. It is a cacophonous and yet subtle amalgamation of baser negative emotions such as insecurity, low self esteem, subconscious or repressed pains, and fear of loss, abandonment, or inadequacy that surfaces and affects us in ways that we may not fully understand or be able to describe when it happens. We just know that we feel bad or that it hurts when something triggers it, and we may get angry and frustrated because we do not, or find it very difficult to try to, understand it.

Jealousy is also rooted in the starvation economy (starvation model) of love, which essentially means that if my love cares for someone else then they will care less for me, which greatly increases the level of fear, anxiety, and possesiveness. We love our parents, our children, close friends, and other extended family, so you do not necessarily need to be afraid that they are going to love someone else and not you. Your partner has room for you in addition to their close friends and family. Humans just keep on loving. It is said that fear is the opposite of love; and by letting go of fear (jealousy) you will foster love in your life.

These self doubts, insecurities, and fears can lead us to question and pressure our partners in an agressive and untrusting manner which can damage the relationship, or push them away. Gaining an understanding and control of jealousy will be important to the happiness and harmony of all your current and future relationships, especially the most important and intimate ones.

This frustration and difficulty of understanding these emotions perpetuates and hinders exploration and comprehension of what exactly is happening. Cutting our way through the pain and confusion is what will be important to defeat the ‘green-eyed monster’ and the havoc it wreaks upon our lives and relationships. Ultimately, bouts of jealousy indicate that there is some unresolved issue with yourself or with your relationship. It signals a moment to learn about ones self, which, of course, can be a mixed blessing.

Your Triggers

Jealousy triggers typically involve ’someone’ of the opposite sex of your partner. Your partner does something and you feel jealous and hurt, and you may or may not understand why. The action that started this process is the trigger. Examples of common triggers are: someone calling your partner or oogling at them, your partner staying our late, or wanting to spend time with friends, spending time with people in a very social setting where there are many individuals of the same gender that your partner could be attracted to.

You will need to pay special attention to your triggers. The triggers themselves may be revealing as to the underlying issue you may be having, especially if one trigger is fairly consistent and others are either non-existent or limited in their prevalence.

Your Emotional Repsonse

Your emotional response to a jealousy trigger is going to be very important to monitor and understand. Try to search your emotion and figure out exactly what you are feeling. This is perhaps the most difficult part. You will need to try to distinguish between individual fears and insecurities, and potentially trust issues. Take the time to think about you feelings to try to refine what exactly is going on. The more you can know about this the easier it will be to understand what your underlying issue maybe and how to deal with it.

Your Reasons

If you are able to know you triggers and the emotional response to that trigger, then the next step is the take that information and try to find out why that trigger elicits that emotional response. Is it projected unresolved issues from the past, or perhaps you need more reassurance from your partner, or there may be any of a plethora of other things that may cause a specific type of trigger to generate a specific emotional response. Try to think about the relationship between the trigger and your emotional response.

Again this may be something that you will want a qualified therpist to work through. These are very complicated and potentially deep seated issues that some simple self exploration and talking may not deal with. Plus we are working against some very trong cultural and evolutionary programming.

Managing Jealousy

Responsibility For Our Emotions

Something that is very key to understanding and dealing with this issue is that no one can make you feel any emotion. You are an individual and you have a choice as to how you feel and react to situations. This is not what we are typically taught, but it is one of the most valuable things you can realize for yourself and you life. You have a choice to determine your reaction to a situation, albeit, until your realize this you may find yourself a helpless slave to your emotional whims. People typically go through their lives allowing their initial emotional response to bubble forth and then they go with it because that is all they know, but in the case of jealousy, or even any other negative emotion, it is not such a good idea to do so.

If you work at it you can separate the ‘action that triggers an emotional response’, the ‘emotional response itself’, and the ‘underlying reasons for the emotional response’. Keep in mind ‘underlying reasons’ does not mean triggers themselves. The trigger, emotional response, and the reason are all separate and need to be inspected that way otherwise you may start mixing them up and call the trigger the reason, when it is not.

No one can make you feel specific emotion. We are, in many ways, programmed via Evolution and Culture to respond a certain way to certain situations, but this is something that we can, with effort and desire, to control and modify it. This process can be a very painful, since it will require introspection, self evaluation, a radical honesty with one’s self and their partner, trust, and vulnerability. All of which can be scary and difficult in-and-of-themselves, but to combine them into one process makes this not for the weak of heart, but in the end it can be one of the most rewarding things you can do. =O If you are not keen on going-it-alone with you partner in dealing with jealousy, then there are many qualified therapists that would be happy to assist you in this endeavor.

It is important to say to yourself  that ‘I will not allow my emotions to control or effect my life in a negative way and I will decisively choose to address them when they come up.’ You emotions are your responsibility and you need to evaluate how they affect your life and address them appropriately. I will cover some communication techniques later on that will address taking responsibility for you emotions.

Dealing with Jealousy Through Writing

Writing can be a very theraputic and revealing method to help you deal with jealousy and other issues too. Writing a journal will help you to keep track of and get out those negative feelings. In these days you could also record them via a small recording device if that serves you better. In either case you will want to keep your recording medium safe from others because rarely is such a painful and deep seated emotion pretty. Things may be written or said that can be quite personal and painful not only for you, but to those involved. If you are pursuing this process with your partner you may want to inform them that you are doing this and for them to respect your privacy if you wish it.

When you do feel a bout of jealousy starting you may want to take some time to write down the specifics of the situation that is triggering the jealousy. Keeping track of what situations or actions that triggered you to feel jealous can help you greatly in your pursuit to banish jealousy from your relationship.

As you are keeping track of your triggers, you will also want to also to write down your emotional response to that trigger. Write as much as you can and just let the thoughts and emotions flow so you can thoroughly explore and open them. Explore this state of mind and write down what you are feeling.

Once you have that recorded you can revisit it and explore your triggers and feelings and then you might be able to find a trend in your triggers or what it is that you are feeling. Perhaps you will find a reoccuring theme in your feelings and writings that may point to the underlying reason for your jealousy.

Dealing with Jealousy Through Talking

When talking to you partner form your thoughts along these lines: “I feel ‘this’ when ‘that’ happens” because ‘of this’.; and NOT “You make feel this way when you do this, because you ‘reason’.” since that wording puts the responsibility for your emotions on the other person and assumes that you know the other persons thoughts and intentions.

You have the right to feel how you feel, and the first wording reinforces you are taking responsibility for your emotions, which seems to be an affront to the common thinking of our emotional states, especially when it comes to jealousy and possesiveness with our partners. Jealousy seems to be treated like a crime that is inflicted on others, when it is something that we allow to fester within us do to a lack of open and honest communication and taking responsibility for our emotions.

Sentences such as  ”You make feel this way when you do this.” you are creating an antogonistic environment, putting responsibility for your emotional state to your partner, and may potentially be putting your partner on the defensive, even though your emotions are yours and your partner may not have done anything wrong. Doing so may put your partner on the defensive and may greatly inhibit communication and your progress towards resolution and understanding what you are going through.

Enabling Jealous Actions

This is more for the jealous person’s partner than for the jealous person. If you both know that you have jealousy issues then by not talking about it or confronting them, albeit calmly, cooly, and with compassion, you are enabling and reinforcing this behaviour and allowing it to continue. Once you start to do that you are reinforcing for them that this behaviour is acceptable and that you will just deal with it, which leads to not only a break down in communication, but also in bad feelings for both of you, and potentially resentment.

Take the time to care enough to talk about and address jealousy in your relationship. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away, and is only going to allow it to fester and grow stronger potentially creating a chasm between both of you with a lof of pain.

Pain and chasms – bad. Calm and honest communication – good. Realize that it is going to take two of you to address jealousy, so help to be apart of the solution, by not enabling this behaviour. Perhaps you can be the one to suggest counseling if your partner is reluctant to.

References and More Info

What I have written is a pretty good start to this topic, but please do peruse these references for more information. If these do not suffice, please seek a qualified professional to assist you. I also will appreciate recommendations for any other pertinent and useful resources that you may find or know of. I did not include articles on therapy through writing. If you are interested google has plenty, of a therepist can help you with that as well. =)

Articles

• Center for Non-Violent Communication
• Jealousy: A Voice of Possesiveness Past (Psychology Today)
• Jealousy: Monster with Dangerous Passion (Sexpresso)
• Managing Jealousy (Hello Good Love)
• Loving without Jealousy: As We Becoming More Authentic, Jealousy Disappears (University of Minnesota)
• Controlling Jealousy (Dr. Phill)
• Dealing With Jealousy Issues (Bea Wehrla, Counseling and Human Development, 2002)
• Fixing the Refridgerator: Practica Jealousy Management (Polyamory, 2009)
• Green-Eyed Monster, the (California Psychics)
• How to deal with jealousy (Romance Class)
• Jealousy (The Inn Between, Polyamory)
• Jealousy, The Green-Eyed Monster (Dr. Gail Saltz, March 2007)

Books

• Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (Amazon Book)
• Radical Honesty (Amazon Book)
• Books on Non-Violent Communication (Amazon Books)

I have written a huge page in support of the the Legalization of Prostitution and I thought would announce it to everyone so that they may rant or rave about it.

Obama GOOD!

McCain BAD!

If you care about civil rights here is another reason to “Vote for Obama“:

Ultra-conservative Puritanical Religionist Republicans of Dooooom!

Civil Rights has a history, (especially under Bush politics) of suffering and being violated horribly under a Republican regime – I am talking to you Patriot Act, to which the ACLU has had to fight hard to try and fix. Who knows how many innocent people’s lives have been wrecked with these horrible laws in effect. Will these people whose rights have been violated ever be compensated for their governments enforcement of these broken laws? No. They will receive a “My bad!” and then be left tot recover from having their life destroyed by an illegal law.

The next president will most likely have the chance to nominate 2 or 3 Supreme Court Judges. The McCain camp is against Gay Rights which is very strongly a civil rights issue which he is against from a puritanical and ultra-conservative (save me some votes) standpoint. This way of thinking is one of the greatest problems with the Republican Party – Conservative Christian Religionism is their hidden mantra.

McCain will appoint judges that will enforce a close-minded backwards-traditional mindset and in an attempt to crush all of cultural progress out of fear, as well as crushing our civil rights in the process.

In this crazy and progressive world that we have here where monogamy is the established “norm” and medical sciences are advancing at a rapid pace and has been for many, many decades, we may find that these two things are having humanity bypassing the advantages that natural selection and evolution would provide.

Natural Selection would normally be able to weed out undesirable traits and mutations fairly quickly (speaking in relative evolutionary terms here) by not allowing them to be passed on to future generation. Monogamy and our Advancing Medical Sciences bypasses this evolutionary benefit.

Monogamy

Monogamy ensures that, with birthrates (55% male and 45% female) as they are, just about all males will essentially have a one mate (assuming an even population density) and that each person will have only one choice for a mate, even if that choice is not as good or desirable as they could possibly have or desire.

The top males will have their choice of mates and the less desirable males will have the left overs. This also means that these less desirable males will all have the opportunity to mate with a less desirable female ensuring that their (collective) less desirable genetics shall be passed on – perpetuating genes that would normally be weeded out due natural selection.

Today’s world with enforced monogamy essentially helps to ensure that “less desirable” mates will be able to find a mate and will be able to pass on their less desirable genes to future generations. This ensures that genetic mutations and abnormalities will be carried on to future generations and it will take much longer for them to be removed from humanity’s gene pool; whereas in cases where natural selection is allowed to run rampant the mates with less desirable traits or abnormalities would have their genes not passed on due to not being able to find a mate, thereby removing defective genes from the gene pool earlier, which allows for a higher quality and healthier humanity sooner than later.

Medical Sciences

Advanced medical sciences help to ensure that people with defective genes live longer and are more able to find mates; and therefore live longer and be more able to find a mate allowing them to carry on their defective genes to future generations, again, bypassing the advantages of Natural Selection.

People that would normally die off due to a severe genetic disease or would be shunned due to physical deformity or weakness are able to find a cure for their health and physical condition and be able procreate due a longer life span and having the indications of a physical abnormality removed or minimized.

Conclusion

Advance medical sciences allow people to live longer and healthier, and are able to hide evidence of genetic abnormalities. Combined with monogamy’s gift of a higher probability of finding a mate make it much more likely that defective genes will remain in humanity’s gene pool longer instead of being weeded out due to no being able to find a mate.

“The greatest work the Devil hath wrought is making man afraid of love”

James E. O’Neill IV

Here is some reading about Marriage, Love, and Gay Marriage from Biblical, Anthropological, and other perspectives:

Articles

• An Elastic Institution: American Anthropological Association (2004)
• Anthropologists debunk ‘traditional marriage’ claim : The Washington Blade (2004)
• Gay marriages fit into this adaptable institution: USA Today (2004)
• Multicultural marriage: Boston Globe? (2006)
• Scientists counter Bush view: The San Francisco Chronicle (2004)
• The Science of Love, and the Future of Women by Helen Fischer: Ted (2006 – Video/Audio)

Books

• Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (1994)
• Divine Sex: Liberating Sex from Religious Tradition (2006)
• God is not a Homophobe: An unbiased look at Homosexuality in the Bible (2006)
• Myth of Monogamy, The (2002)

On May 25, 2007 I became an ordained minister for the Universal Life Church. Why did it do that? That is a good question and I am going to try to answer it, at least a little bit, here. Some will laugh and some will cry (at the apparent absurdity) when reading this, and that is OK. =)

Religion, theology, spirituality or whatever you would like to call it is a person seeking that answer to the question that plagues each and every person in one way or time or another. Some have the strength to look for the answers themselves and some do not. Some are happy being told what to believe and some find satisfaction in their own pursuit to the answer. I have not really cared either way until the last few years when I began my own little search to find my answers. Will I ever truly find the answer? Just like everyone else – No, I shall not. Will I find the answers that make sense to me and sate my need for more answers? I certainly hope so.

There are things that I have thought and read about (from civil rights and relationships to religion) and conclusions that I have come to (but I will discuss them at a later time), and being guided by my home in Unitarian Universalism which has an penchant for lay lead services, I found this ordainment path rather appropriate for me.

Becoming ordained, is in some way, a personal affirmation that I am in charge of my spiritual journey and that no one else can travel it for me. I am responsible for my beliefs and no one can tell me what to believe. (Well, they can, but that does not mean that I will be a believer.) I must decide and discover what truths resonate inside me. Others may assist me along my journey by helping me to discover what I believe, but let them not condemn me for not partaking fully what is true in their own heart, for in each person lays their own truth and only they have the power to discover and unleash it.

I have semi-recently performed my first wedding ceremony and wow was I nervous. I am happy and more than willing to perform services for (and I support) those of the ‘LGBT+P‘ persuasion.

Your word for the day is Compersion:

What is the opposite of Jealousy? The answer is Compersion.

Compersion

is love manifested when a person takes joy in his or her loved one’s happiness with another person.

Google Definition

Wikipedia Definition